JP Purges Himself

My, it certainly has been quite some time since I've written anything hasn't it? What can I say, I've been lacking some inspiration lately. Luckily, I went to see The Purge yesterday.

The year is 2022 and the annual Purge is about to begin in the New America. What is the Purge you ask? Well it's a span of 12 hours every year where all crime, including murder, is legal. The reason? To allow God-fearing Americans to let out their violent impulses, though it seems more and more as the movie goes on that it's really just an excuse for the rich to pray on the poor in a more literal sense as opposed to the metaphorical why Mitt Romney attempted.

Anyway, we enter the dwelling of home security salesman and living wax sculpture Ethan Hawke and his family, composed of a horny daughter, kooky though strangely moral (he's anti-Purge) son, and Cersei Lannister. Shortly after they activate their own security system that resembles a prison lockdown, the son -played wonderfully by young TV actor Max Burkholder- sees an injured man on one of the many security cameras running down the street and begging for help. In an impressive showing of moral fortitude, he takes a stand and let's him in. This starts a countdown by the large group of rich, white college students who were chasing him. Their incredibly creepy leader played by Australian (in case you couldn't tell from his name) actor Rhys Wakefield tells them he's called for reinforcements and if they don't bring out the homeless black man out by the time they get there they'll be forced to come in and kill them all. This starts the elongated hide-and-seek game that makes up the majority of the film.

Seriously, it's like he was taken right out of Madame Tussauds.

Oddly, the home invasion part of this home invasion thriller really doesn't start until the third act, but once it does it's a crescendo of believable violence that leads to a great ending.

I have to be honest, I love home invasion movies. Really no other subgenre effects me the way they do. I put this down to growing up out in the country and my sister telling me a story of a neighborhood peeping tom. This is an excellent home invasion film, the GOP-baiting plot and dialogue is really just icing on the cake. Make no mistake, this movie is a big fuck you to the Republican party. Given the verbal diarrhea the Teabagging community have been shitting out since they formed, the very idea of an annual Purge doesn't seem that far-fetched. If there is an unemployment problem, you kill the unemployed right? If there are too many homeless, you just kill the homeless, it's that simple. The writer/director James DeMonaco even goes so far as to having the Purgers spouting out Reaganomics-ish slogans at every opportunity.

Give her some brown hair while making him even gayer and that's pretty much Michelle Bachmann and her hubby.

The actors are all great, with Mr Wakefield being particularly standout, the music selections work well, and the directing is tight. Really the only problem I have is the sheer amount of screen time spent watching Cersei Lannister walk around dark hallways, but that's really as nitpicky as I can be.

I give The Purge 9 out of 10 creepy masks chosen for the specific reason of being creepy.

JP Pulls on the Ol' Black Gloves for a Review of Giallo

I've been thinking lately about starting a series of articles about horror directors who were once at the front of the pack, but now are just kinda sad and really should've given up to ghost years ago. The very first director I would talk about would be Dario Argento, who arguably hasn't made a decent film since 1982's Tenebre.

Our story follows Inspector Enzo Avolfi (Adrian Brody, star of The Pianist and really nothing else of note) as he attempts to help a young woman find her idiotic sister who has been kidnapped by what may be the most ineffectual and absurd killer of all time. I would get more into it, but the plot is so bland, boring, and predictable is really isn't necessary.

But hey, plots aren't really all that important in a giallo film anyway, it's all about the style right? Too bad there's none of that in the 92 minute run time of this snooze fest. The music sounds like stock they found in some Lifetime movie of the week library and the directing and cinematography aren't much better.

"But JP," I hear you saying, almost pleadingly, "at least it was gloriously gory and whatnot, right?" Not even a bit. What little violence there is, is completely ruined by atrocious FX and laughably orange blood.

In the end, I think we can all agree Argento really just needs to go home and enjoy his Suspiria royalties. I give Giallo 2 out of 10 diseased livers.

RIP Ray Harryhausen

It saddens me immensely too have to report on this, but master stop-motion animator Ray Harryhausen passed away today at the age of 93.

Ray was born in Los Angeles to two German immigrants. He always had an interest in film, but that interest turned into full on passion after seeing King Kong and according to his parents in interviews he spent countless hours experimenting with stop motion in their garage. After making a few shorts for George Pal he was drafted into the Army during WWII, where he made both animated and live-action training videos. It wasn't until his short series based on fairy tales, which he referred to as the "Teething-ring" series, that he began to achieve some fans in Hollywood.

His first professional film was working alongside his idol and mentor Willis O'Brien on the giant-ape film Mighty Joe Young, which won Mr O'Brien an Oscar.  Harryhausen's first solo film was the classic The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms, based on a short story by his close friend and sci-fi god Ray Bradbury, which led to a slew of successful 50s films such as It Came From Beneath the Sea, Earth Vs the Flying Saucers, 20 Million Miles to Earth, and the brilliant 7th Voyage of Sinbad.

The 60s were an especially busy time for Harryhausen, making such films as Mysterious Island, The Valley of Gwangi, One Million Years BC, and what my very well be his masterpiece, Jason and the Argonauts.

The 70s weren't a very good decade, featuring only two disappointing Sinbad sequels, and 1981 saw the last feature film to include Ray's work (and one of my favorite films of all time) Clash of the Titans.

Throughout the years, Ray Harryhausen has written several well-regarded books, made cameos in various films, and inspired generations of filmmakers and monster kids to keep the to world of fantasy cinema alive. He will be missed.

   

One By One We Will Disappoint You!

Look, I'm not one of those people whose asshole immediately clenches in fury at the very concept of film remakes, they've existed since the beginning of cinema and some of the best movies in the genre are in fact remakes. That being said, even I had a big problem when I heard they were planning a hip, expensive, modern redux of Evil Dead. Now, I hold the original in extremely high regard not just because it introduced the world to the talents of director Sam Raimi and actor Bruce Campbell, but because it represents everything wonderful about low-budget film making. My fears were placated a bit and morphed into cautious optimism upon discovering the original trio of Raimi/Campbell/Rob Tapart were producing this with Raimi's own Ghosthouse Pictures label and by the now-infamous red band trailer that found it's way onto Youtube a few months ago. Too bad that trailer was more interesting than the movie itself.

 Just so you know, this scene of Mia singing the "We're Gonna Get You" song doesn't appear in the film.

After a silly, dull opening pre-credit scene, we go into our main story with our group of five friends who've all gathered at a secluded cabin to help the character of Mia kick her heroin habit. This may seem needless but it's a plot point that I actually quite like. It explains why these 20-somethings never try and call for help or leave the cabin, and it had the potential to do a really cool "is what we're seeing real or is this girl with DT imagining it." Of course I say "potential" because, thanks to that silly scene in the beginning I mentioned we know from the start what's going on. Anyway, after Mia dumps the most heroin I've ever seen anyone possess, our campers go down into the basement to investigate a strange smell to find dead cats hanging from the ceiling and a leathery book wrapped in barbed wire. Well, our "Scott" character --he wasn't actually named Scott but I don't remember his name and don't really care enough to look it up-- does what anyone would do, immediately start reading shit aloud even though there are notes from past victims specifically instructing him to NOT READ THIS FUCKING BOOK ALOUD.

Obviously those are just suggestions those.

We're then treated to 50 minutes or so of deleted scenes from The Devil Inside Part 2 before reaching what has to be the lamest final 15 minutes of all time.

So yeah, I kinda hated this movie, though not for the same reasons everyone ELSE seems to hate it. The main complaint I've heard from others is that this one is not "funny" and "campy" like Evil Dead should be. First off, you are aware the original Evil Dead wasn't MEANT to be "funny" and "campy," right? Secondly, I don't think we were watching the same movie because I was laughing constantly. Granted, I was laughing at the awful dialogue and various gore gags that probably weren't intended to be funny, but still. I also, as you could tell from above, hated the look of the Deadites. They were very clearly designed to look like all those exorcism movies that have been clogging up the theatres these last few years and they come off looking cliched and boring because of it. Not only that, but the whole thing was so poorly written it establishes certain rules only to promptly forget them when it's convenient. They even steal one of the sillier plot twists from the abysmal The Ring 2!

Now as to the look of the movie, if I were to give one word to describe it I was saw...brown. Everything is fucking brown, from everyone's clothes to every inch of the cabin itself to the blood so that the whole thing is just one big muddled mess.

Aside from the afore mentioned heroin subplot, some of the gore, and the idea that other victims have written warnings in the book itself, there is literally nothing to like about this movie. I give Evil Dead 2013 4 out of 10 pets with bizarre names.

My Top 300: 59-50

59: Lucio Fulci's Zombie (aka Zombi 2 aka Zombie Flesh Eaters)

A young woman and a journalist team up to find her father on a tropical island where a scientist is struggling to find a cure for the recent undead outbreak. Sounds like such a simple and somewhat dull story, doesn't it? Well, there's a reason director Lucio Fulci is often called the Godfather of Gore, this is on of the gut-munchingest, eye-gougiest, throat-rippingest zombie movies of all time. Not bad for a movie that was original meant to trick people into thinking it was a direct sequel to Dawn of the Dead. Oh, and a zombie fights a shark underwater. It's pretty sweet.

58: The Lair of the White Worm

Based on an obscure short story by Dracula author Bram Stoker, this tale of a sexy Scottish chick trying to resurrect an ancient snake god and the archaeologist trying to stop her could've been a complete bore had it not been for the late Ken Russel at the helm and intentionally performances by the cast(including a young Hugh Grant!)

57: Man Bites Dog

Shot in the found footage style that's so popular now, this controversial film follows a documentary crew as they follow around a serial killer, capturing his every move and thought from his favorite method of murder to his musings on architecture on film. As they spend more and more time with him, the nature of their relationship begins to change from filmmaker/film subject to becoming active participants in his crimes.

56: Cabin Fever

Playing out like a love song to his favorite genre films from the 70s/80s just a few years before every other fucking filmmaker on Earth decided to, writer/director Eli Roth's debut film deals with five college friends spending a weekend in the woods at the worst possible time. Just so you know, Mysterious Flesh-Eating Disease Season is not the best time to travel.

55: Evil Dead II

The first half of this gory horror/comedy plays almost like the a remake of the first film with the character Ash and his girl finding the Candarian Book of the Dead in a secluding cabin and unwittingly releasing the roaming Force which possesses first his ladyfriend and then his hand. Meanwhile, a brother and sister team are on their way to the same cabin which, as it turns out, belongs to their archaeologist parents. Keeping the unusual camera work and the over-the-top gore of the first film and adding brilliantly-timed bits comedy and all around strangeness proved to be an unbeatable combination.

54: The Innocents

A young governess in Victorian England is hired to take care of two young children by their eccentric uncle at his expansive country home. Upon arriving, she slowly begins to suspect the house is haunted and the children occasionally possessed by two dead servants the kids saw die. Based on the chilling Henry James short story The Turn of the Screw and beautifully shot by Amicus regular and future Oscar winner Freddie Francis, The Innocents may well be the best period ghost film of all time.

53: Trick 'R' Treat

Behold, the only perfect anthology film, aside from Creepshow of course. Comprised of four tales taking place on Halloween night in the same New England town intertwined together and covering everything from werewolves to zombies, from poisoned candy to why you should NEVER let the candle in your jack'o'lantern go out.

52: Candyman

In the urban slums of Chicago, the legend of Candyman, a former slave who was wrongfully murdered and is said to appear with a hook for a hand when you say his name in the mirror five times, has been blamed for multiple homicides in the housing project of Cabrini-Green. Enter Helen Lyle, urban legend researcher and mythbuster extraordinaire. While she does prove that the murderous "ghost" stalking the North Side is actually a violent gang member using the legend like Bruce Wayne uses the bat, she also incurres the wrath of the real hooked ghoul. Based on the story The Forbidden by Clive Barker and directed by the wonderfully talented Bernard Rose.

51: The Gorgon

It's turn of the century England, and it seems as though a small village is plagued with dudes-turning-into-stone-ism. Luckily both Peter Cushing AND Christopher Lee are on the job. Directed beautifully by Hammer demigod Terence Fisher, this is one of the many films made by the legendary studios that for some reason people seem to have forgotten exists.

50: Poltergeist

80s dad Craig T Nelson brings his family to his company's newest suburban oasis, Cuesta Verde, only to discover it was built on top of a cemetery (I've always thought it was weird that Nelson's home seems to be the ONLY one afflicted with the douche-bag spectres, but hey, it's a movie). There's been a fairly heated debate over the years as to just how much of an influence producer Stephen Spielberg had on the directing by Tobe Hooper, some people even stating that Hooper was really only the director on paper and Spielberg directed the whole thing (you know, people like me). Regardless of who directed it, it's still great!

My Top 300: 69-60

69: The Curse of the Werewolf

Hammer's one and only dance into the world of lycanthopy and one of the first performances of the intense Oliver Reed, the story of an 18th century man born with the...well, the curse of the werewolf I suppose certainly holds a special place in the hearts of that great English studio.

68: House of Wax(1953)

One of the first horror films shot in 3D, this remake of Mystery of the Wax Museum stars Vincent Price as a man who uses the bodies of his murder victims as the bases for his brilliant wax sculptures.

67: Evil Dead II

Playing out as a partial remake and partial sequel of the splatter classic, part 2 follows Ash as he yet again must fight those evil Candarian bastards in a brilliant balance of horror and comedy. This is the movie that firmly cemented the sub-genre of "splatstick" in the minds of horror-fiends everywhere.

66: Carrie

Carrie White seems to be your average dour, awkward teenager with an insanely devout Christian mother until the fateful day she has her first period and a latent telekinetic ability rises up in her to crescendo in one of the most beautifully-choreographed climaxes in horror history. The film that effectively launched the careers of Stephen King, Brian de Palma, and Sissy Spacek from underground faves into the mainstream.

65: Final Destination

A teenage boy and a group of his friends get off a plane after he has a vision of it exploding on take-off only for it to do exactly that a few moments later. Their luck changes for the worse though when it seems something otherworldly starts hunting them down. Say what you will about the increasingly silly sequels, the first film in the series was a total game-changer.

64: Near Dark

Directed by future Oscar-winner Kathryn Bigelow and starring multiple Aliens and Terminator alumni --which makes sense, as Bigelow's hubby at the time and the producer of this film was James Cameron-- Near Dark is effectively a gritty vampire western where the word "vampire" is never uttered once. This one is worth seeing just for Bill Paxton's unhinged performance and Lance Henriksen's vamp patriarch.

63: Cat People(1942)

Produced by Val Lewton and directed with subtle perfection by master Jacques Tourneur during RKO's golden horror period, this surprisingly lurid film is about a female Russian immigrant who fears she suffers from a curse that turns her into a deadly panther woman when she is aroused. Effectively remade in 1982.

62: Jaws

The very first summer blockbuster and Stephen Speilberg's first feature(after years of sitcoms and a few well-received TV movies), this simple story of a giant great white shark terrorizing the sleepy coastal town of Amity was based on the best-selling thought not particularly good novel by Peter Benchly.

61: Piranha

Speaking of Jaws, this little film started life as one of Roger Corman's infamous cheapie rip-offs. Luckily it featured a hilarious script, clued-in acting, and a director with a sense of humor, eventually turning this little film about genetically altered piranha finding their way into a Midwestern river into a classic in it's own right.

60: City of the Living Dead

The suicide of a priest in a cemetery opens the Gates of Hell, and it's up to a hirsute reporter and a psychic to close them before the flesh-eating zombies and various other batshit craziness do them in first. Made by Lucio Fulci during his golden period, this features everything you'd expect an Italian supernatural horror flick of the time to have and so much more.

JP Gets Mangled...2.0

It's always tough reviewing a sequel like this, mostly because the original movie it's based on isn't exactly a classic either so it's almost doomed to start with. That being said at least the first Mangler, based on a Stephen King short story, was fun and gory compared to the languid pace, truly insipid "character," and almost blood-free kills of this one.

Our story follows obnoxious rich hacker/teenage rebel(we know she's a rebel because of her dark make-up and propensity to make 1984 references every other line) and her equally obnoxious rich friends at an empty private school. It seems the entire student body except for those five and a few staff members have gone off on a field trip and our female lead thinks this would be a perfect time to be a hacker rebel by downloading the "Mangler virus" into the school's system. This goes about as well as you'd expect.

The "script" borrows heavily from multiple sources; the abandoned school of Halloween H20, the mechanical assimilation of both man and machine from Virus and legendary anime film Akira, and pretty much everything else from every other horror flick from the early 2000's, yet forgets to add anything from the movie it's supposed to be a sequel to. The only thing that really stands out is how strangely conservative it is, and I mean that both in horror terms(no blood, no tits, barely any cursing) and politically. It keeps trying to make us feel sorry for these rich kids even though they spend the entire film whining about how unfair the authority figures are for pointing out the consequences of their selfish actions and continuing to mock the one blue collar character even during the life-or-death chase scene that makes up the entire last half of the film.

I would talk about the atrocious directing and editing, but honestly since this is writer/director Michael Hamilton-Wright's first and only directing credit and editor Anthony A Lewis' only editing credit that seems like kind of a cheap shot. Let me instead just suggest these two, who I'm sure are fine upstanding gentlemen in person, really need to think about their place in the world of film and really the world in general.

I've seen worse movies, just not that many. I give The Mangler 2 3 out of 10 Lance Henriksen cyborgs.